In recognition of the fact that this is National Anti-Bullying Week (15th-19th November) this Counsellor's Casebook post explores the subject of bullying, which is believed to affect around 75% of school-age children and young people, with girls experiencing higher levels than boys (Rivers et al, 2008).
What constitutes Bullying?
Bullying is defined by the Royal College of Psychiatrists (1996) as happening when a child, or group of children, singles out a child deliberately and in a hurtful manner and may:
- hit or punch them
- kick them or trip them up;
- take or spoil their things;
- call them names;
- tease them;
- give them nasty looks;
- threaten them;
- make racist remarks about them;
- spread nasty rumours or stories about them;
- not let them join in play or games;
- not talk to them.
The nature of bullying is usually determined by the gender of the perpetrator/s, with girls more likely to spread rumours, gossip, banish victims from their friendship groups and be verbally spiteful, and boys more likely to resort to violence and intimidation.
Over recent years cyber bullying - when a child, or teenager is 'tormented, threatened, harassed, humiliated, embarrassed or otherwise targeted' (www.stopcyberbullying.org) by another child or teenager using text messaging, email, instant messaging or any other type of interactive or digital technology - has become increasingly widespread. Electronic bullying can be much more anonymous than more traditional forms of bullying, with perpetrators using temporary e-mail accounts, false names in chat rooms, and with-holding their numbers on mobile phones, and this perhaps encourages the use of these forms of bullying. With most children, even some primary age children, having access to the internet and often having their own mobile phones, they may still be targeted even in the ‘safety’ of their home and bedroom.
A survey of over 2000 secondary school pupils, conducted by Beatbullying (2009), highlighted the extent of cyberbullying in the UK. It showed that almost a third of 11-16 year olds had experienced it, with greater incidence in certain ‘high risk’ groups of children (Pupils with Special Educational Needs; those receiving free school meals, and pupils from white non-British ethnic backgrounds).
What Are the Signs that a Child is Being Bullied?
Any child who becomes withdrawn, depressed or reluctant to go to school, or whose performance within school deteriorates, could be experiencing bullying – though, of course, these can also be signs of other emotional upsets.
More specific signs can include:
- Suddenly becoming fearful about walking to and/or from school – perhaps changing their route without explanation
- Insisting on being driven to school
- ‘Accidentally’ missing the school bus
- Asking to change schools
- Coming home with books, clothes or other possessions ‘lost’ or damaged
- Coming home hungry because dinner money has been ‘lost’
- Development of speech impediments, e.g. stammering
- Sleep disturbances – nightmares, unable to sleep
- Tearfulness
- Unexplained bruises, cuts etc
- Asking for, or stealing money on a regular basis
- Increasingly anxious and distressed, refusing to say what the matter is – possibly refusing to eat
- Withdrawal from social activities
- Gradual loss of confidence in social situations
- Self-harm
- In extreme cases, attempted suicide
How Does Bullying Affect Children and Young People?
The experience of being bullied can damage to a victim’s self-concept or identity, which in turn can lead to long-term emotional harm. Research has shown that when bullying begins in adolescence it can be particularly damaging (Newman et al, 2004) and girls tend to suffer greater psychological distress than boys (Rivers et al, 2008).
A bully aims to create a feeling of fear and self-loathing in their victim, and encourages them to believe they are seen by others as pathetic and weak. This clearly runs counter to the ideal development of a positive identity i.e. a child growing up viewing themselves as a likeable, capable and effective individual. Such a child may grow up feeling powerless to defend themselves in what can feel like an unsafe world and is at risk of developing a kind of ‘learned helplessness’ as well as feelings of depression, hopelessness, anger and bitterness. These feelings will be heightened if the victim reached out to others, particularly adults, yet felt they too were powerless to take action to defend them and stop the bully/ies.
Whilst it is often children who are shy, unassertive and lacking in confidence who are targeted by bullies, a child or young person who is confident, assertive, good-looking, popular and able can often find themselves the target of a jealous or insecure bully or group of bullies.
When working with a victim of bullying, I will make a point of exploring existing positive relationships which support the child’s self esteem, and encouraging a child to focus on these in an effort to remind them they have relationships where they are not the ‘victim’, and balance out the harmful effects of the bullying. A child has to be exceptionally confident (or very well supported) not to internalise the negative messages they have heard from the perpetrator/s - i.e. that they are worthless, a loser, pathetic, incompetent etc - and this can lead to a kind of ‘self-bullying’ self-talk which often persists into adulthood.
How Can You Help A Child Who Is Being Bullied?
As always, it is so important to listen to a child who is complaining of being bullied. Children often feel deeply ashamed and embarrassed, and find it very difficult to talk to anyone – particularly if they have been threatened about the consequences of telling. Resist the temptation to tell them to ignore it, as they may well have been trying to do this, and suffering in silence, for some time. Reassure a child that they have done the right thing in telling you, and reassure them that they are not to blame.
A child may tell you, but then try to insist you don’t tell anyone else. Don’t promise to collude in this way, rather talk to the child about how you can solve the problem together by involving other adults who can take action and protect the child, and by helping a child think of practical things they can do to keep themselves safe.
Giving them the details of sources of online support they can access would be one way of doing this, for example ‘Cybermentors’ is a website where young victims can talk to other young people about bullying. Victims can remain anonymous as it is an online service, and since the site is run by BeatBullying, an established anti-bullying charity with trained counsellors ready to become involved if necessary, there is no danger of the school-age mentors getting out of their depth (this can sometimes be a problem in poorly supervised peer mentor schemes within schools). CyberMentors began as a one-year pilot in March 2009, recruiting volunteer mentors from 130 schools. One year on, the site had been visited more than 400,000 times. The Department for Children, Schools and Families, which funded the pilot, has just invested a further £1m – Beatbullying’s goal is to eventually incorporate it into every UK school.
BeatBullying also empowers young people to lead anti-bullying campaigns in their schools (they report an 80% reduction in bullying in schools where such campaigns have been organised) and offer downloadable lesson plans suitable for both primary and secondary school pupils.
Most organisations who try to help schools to tackle the problem of bullying agree that involving witnesses is very important. “Telling schools” – i.e. those where pupils are actively encouraged and supported to report incidents of bullying that the victim may be too scared to disclose, seem to work well – especially when combined with peer group schemes. Ensure that your child's school has robust anti-bullying policies in place, together with effective programmes to empower children, so that bullying is not tolerated.
Checking out and keeping up-to-date with other sources of advice and information on the internet, aimed at young people, parents and professionals, will also help you to feel empowered to help children by passing on information to them and to teaching staff. For example, Act Against Bullying offers a range of teaching resources, and promotes a ‘Cool to be Kind’ programme to be implemented within school. Kidscape, another established anti-bullying charity, offers a wide range of downloadable materials to assist young people, parents and school staff as does Bullying UK. (For those of you with iPhones, Bullying UK’s really useful iPhone app, packed with lots of helpful advice and information, can be accessed free from the App Store).
With bullying known to be linked with depression and low self-esteem (often continuing into adulthood) together with the possibility of it leading to self-harm and in some cases suicide, parents and professionals working with children cannot afford to be complacent about it. If you are concerned about your child, discuss this with their school, or your GP, and ask if your child can be referred for counselling, or seek the help of an experienced independent child counsellor.
Ensuring that a bullied child is treated respectfully and sensitively and offered practical as well as emotional support will be of enormous benefit to that child at the time, and will certainly reduce the possibility of any longer-term harmful effects.
Online support and advice:
www.antibullying.net/youngpeople
www.youngminds.org.uk (search bullying)
www.nspcc.org.uk (search bullying)
www.cybermentors.org.uk (part of www.beatbullying.org )
References
Rivers, I. et al (2008) head of psychology at Queen Margaret University in Edinburgh, carried out the study with researchers at York St John University.
Royal College of Psychiatrists (2006) The Emotional Cost of Bullying – Factsheet 5
Beat Bullying (2009) Virtual Violence - Protecting Children from Cyberbullying
(To download the full report go to: http://www.beatbullying.org/)
Newman, M. et al (2004) quoted in The New Scientist
This blog post is based on an article originally written for The British Journal of School Nursing by Frances Weston. (The next Counsellor's Casebook post will conclude the earlier post about Bereavement).
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